January of 1980.
I was a divorced mother of 3 at the age of 32. I was hospitalized for a simple procedure called a D&C. [Editor’s Note: Dilatation and Curettage is a surgical procedure scraping of the uterus.]
Several months later, I did not heal from the procedure. I went for a follow-up to my Doctor. Upon examining me, the Doctor saw something that he did not like. His only words were, ‘Go to the hospital NOW.’ He said he wanted to be sure all was okay. I wasn’t afraid because I had trusted this doctor almost all my life. I felt that he could do anything. He was my father-figure and dear friend. I was admitted to the hospital. Tests were performed. One morning my doctor came to see me with his face looking down at the floor. This was different than normal because he had always approached me with a smile and removed his glasses whenever we were together. Now he couldn’t face me. I thought maybe it was because my mother and family were there, and sometimes they could be a little over-bearing.
The doctor told me that I had a cancerous tumor right at the tip of my uterus that appeared to have been cut off. It was very close to the lymph area. I had no idea what he was talking about. He said that a biopsy showed that the tumor was malignant. My response was, ‘So, now what? What are you going to do now?’ He slowly told me, ‘You’ll have to have a hysterectomy, besides you have three children now.’ I didn’t want to hear this because I wanted to have a child by my loved one (K) in a few years or so. Then he told me that hopefully they’ll be able to get all the cancer out with radiation and chemotherapy. I’m a late bloomer, and still did not realize what was happening. He left me with my mother.
Within the hour, the realization of my death and the seriousness of this diagnosis hit me. I let out the loudest scream possible. My mother and loved one left my room running. Immediately, the doctor and an attending nurse ran into my room. I was given a sedative to relax me and put me to sleep. I had no idea what was happening within me. I had been having my pap-smear every year with no evidence of cancer, but now??? Why me. I love (K) with too much of me, and now I won’t be able to have his child. I was hurt.
The operation was scheduled for several days later. I remember asking my doctor to please be with me. In the operation room, I told the surgeon to wait for my doctor as he explained what I’d be feeling from the surgery. He told me to not be afraid and to have faith that all would be all right. Then he told me to count backwards from 100. As I did, I remember getting to 89 and telling him to wait because I wasn’t asleep yet.
Immediately, I saw myself rising from the bed and at the ceiling of the room looking down on my body. Next, I was rising through the beautiful clouds into a sweet, peaceful, loving, delicate, and secure place. I knew I was in the place where God is. There was no fear, no pain, no hurt, and no worry. I felt none of the things holding me down that were with me just a few minutes ago. I felt the deepest peace and love flowing all around and within me. I felt secure beyond measure.
A loving presence surrounded me, but a brighter image approached me. The entire place was spotless without a touch of darkness or shadow. The light was pure and without a source because it is the source. I wanted to get closer to the image approaching me, but I remembered my children. I asked Jesus, who was the light image, to please let me raise my children and see my grandchildren. I then remember a nurse in the recovery room telling me, ‘Come on honey, you can do better than this. I have seen dead people with better blood pressure readings than this.’ I was returned to my hospital room.
I dreamt of Jesus for days. Prior to this, I was not interested in Jesus, religion, or anything like that. I did not even consider it. I just felt that when you die it was the end, no more. I went home, but was returned several weeks later, as I wasn’t taking care of myself as expected by the doctors. They wanted me to start treatments, but I was not being nourished properly to withstand the cancer treatments. Several times during a week, I’d have the dreams/visions of Jesus. My loved one would not sleep with me, and that hurt me more than I can say. So, I was returned to the hospital. I was kept longer than the first operation. I was giving up because I felt empty inside. I started going downhill. My desire to live was leaving me. Some said I was just malnourished, but within myself I felt unloved, unwanted, and undesirable.
After experiencing the glorious place of light during the surgery, it was time to give up. One day I saw my mother’s minister visiting someone in his congregation. I hollered for him to visit me. I asked him to pray for me; because if he didn’t, I would just leave here, since everything seemed useless to me anyway. He prayed for me and left me with a booklet of St. John. I read the booklet, and again that night I had dreams/visions of Jesus Christ. Upon waking the next morning, I felt a release of much doubt, and a will to try and get better.
I was released two weeks later, and proceeded to have the months of radiation therapy. All looked well. My lover (K.) left me and moved out right after the radiation treatments ended. I was hurt beyond measure/words, for the rejection which he left me. My doctor and the surgeon asked me to have K talk to them, but K. had experienced a hurt deeper than I could see. K. felt guilty and responsible to some extent. His separated-wife and another girlfriend were both diagnosed with cancer prior to me. We had been together for about 6-7 years. He refused to let go of his pride to get advice from another man. All I saw in myself was empty, ugly, lost, hurt, useless, hopeless, dead, and totally rejected.
1984
Several years later, I met a man (J.) who seemed attracted to me regardless of my past. I moved from Ohio to California and we were married in 1982. My love for K. was still overwhelming within me. There was a period when I felt like I was in a trance; after all I had left my mother, sister, many, many friends and acquaintances, and K. I wondered how and why I left my life in Ohio. Once I had a dream/vision of a black witch hanging around our home. My marriage was seriously shaky. My husband and I were on two entirely different levels, and I feared rejection.
On 7/26/84 I had a dream/vision like none other. I dreamed that my brother (who really was K., my loved one) was walking out of a baseball dugout. I saw the sun slowly falling from the sky. People were running all over the park. K was walking around like nothing was happening. I was worried, and said to K, ‘Come on, Honey, it is not too late to pray’. K didn’t respond to me. He just kept on going. I was in a panic state of mind. I didn’t want him to go; but he just kept on walking, as the sun continued to fall from the sky. I was awakened by my husband, J.
I deliberately went back to sleep because I wanted to save K. This time as I drifted off to sleep, I was in the darkest blackest void imaginable. It was cold and darker than words can say. I couldn’t see anything but total black. All of a sudden there appeared a pack of four wolves/wild dogs with teeth like fangs that were after me. At the blink of an eye, I was in the light again. This left me very scared. Never in my life had I ever experienced such a dream/vision as this.
On 7/29/84, my sister in Ohio phoned me to tell me that K had died. Being the late bloomer that I am, I just responded with ‘Oh, that’s too bad.’ About 1/2 hour later while walking to my mailbox, I realized what my sis had told me. Once again, I let out the loudest scream possible. I felt like my very own life had just been stolen out of my body. I did not want to live sure enough now. I phoned my sister back to get the details. When she told me that K died of a massive heart attack. He was pitching at a softball game in the neighborhood park.
I returned to work several days later. I told a new friend what had happened and she invited me to her church. I thought, ‘What do I have to lose – my love was gone.’ I attended church for 2 weeks. One day while at home all alone and with all doors and windows shut, I cried uncontrollably for the loss of my heart: K. All of a sudden, I heard an audible voice. I looked around to see if my husband had come home from work early, but no one was in the room but me. The voice was 110% real and audible to me. Immediately there was peace, quiet, reassurance, and an unsurpassed love within me. The voice spoke WORDS that are within me to this day. The words are more real and true than life itself. About 30 minutes or so later, I realized that I was ministered to by ‘THE ALMIGHTY GOD’. HE told me what to do, what not to do, and how to do what HE wants me to do. The ‘WORDS’ are engraved in my inner-being. I cannot erase them even if I wanted. At the end of the conversation, ‘GOD’s WORDS’ were like echoes down the halls of what we call time.
My life has made a 99 degree turn from what it was before. Today I have an unquenchable desire to seek and do God’s Will. I have no value for money or material things. My husband on the other hand is 110% into spending money and materialistic things. I fear no death, and I completely trust God in answering all my prayers and meeting all my needs. I can’t get enough of seeking God through Jesus Christ. I know I am loved by ‘HIM’, and that is all that counts. Presently I know my children and husband love me on their level, but only God fills the absence within me. My family can’t make me happy. They try but, I seek and desire beyond their sight.
In 1998, when I was diagnosed with a heart attack, I drove myself to the hospital as my husband said he had to babysit his grandchildren since their mother was not able. My daughters were at work. My son is an alcoholic who has separated himself from me and the family. I felt no fear or harm. I knew God was with me; plus I had a wonderful cardiologist.
In 1999-2000 I was hospitalized for kidney stones several times. As promised, only God was with me. I’m still here.
In 1994 I had meningitis from May through September. Only God answered my silent prayer by sending me a book on tape called, ‘Names of God’ that I felt would help me at that time and period. My husband and family never suspected that I asked God to take me out of here from all the pain. Every hair on my head hurt to a level 10+. Even with meningitis, my husband was not instrumental in helping. But, Jesus stepped in and did what He does best.
Recently, I had a dream of K. I wanted to go to him. But, K only pointed to the being of light that I had seen and been with when I had the surgery in 1980, as if to say, ‘Jesus is all the Love I need and desire’ – and He is.