At about the age of 5, I had my first sense of connection to a ‘higher power’. It was nothing all that dramatic but it was a deep knowing of a connection that I felt rather than understood. I was badly abused as a child. My childhood was a weird perfect storm of abuse. Much of it by a mother and step-mother. So in addition to the normal physical and (low level) sexual abuse, I was totally tortured mentally. There is a reason I mention this and I don’t care to go in to detail but it was really bad. There where two other times during my youth that I was at a rock bottom place and again FELT this presence. I didn’t have healthcare insurance and I got pneumonia at age 11. I was untreated and it left me with lungs that seem to be prone to pneumonia. I have had severe health problems during my life and been at death’s hallway a few times without having NDEs. In my adult life, I have done the typical thing of replicating my parents in my relationships. I have PTSD and loads of problems fitting in to the world. I have had largely awful life. I am depressed, angry, and full of pain and conflict. For the most part, I hate my life. But there is also a separate personality in me that seems to be aware of it all and watching. I have déjà a lot. I am prescient sometimes. I am very aware, well-educated and smart but the largest part of me is severely damaged from trauma. How I act in life is more about that than my ability to understand it and review it. My life really had hit rock bottom a couple of years ago, when I was deeply depressed and unhappy with my life, full of self-loathing and impotent anger.
I hope that sets the stage for understanding what the NDE meant to me.
When I get sick it gets real bad. My immune system seems to fall apart and when most other folks get the normal 5-9 days of sickness, I stay sick for weeks to months.
I was sick and trying to force myself to get better and resume normal life, so I took my children to lunch. At the restaurant, suddenly, I started to feel really bad like I was about to collapse or something. I’d never before lost consciousness when sick, but I knew I was about to. So I told my kids I was going to the car and I just kept thinking that I don’t want this to happen in front of them. For some reason I felt like I was dying. I kept thinking of my children and what that would be like for them, their father collapsing and deficating himself. I don’t know why I had this image in my mind, but it was a real driver for me to stand up and walk out of the restaurant. This was terrifying to me and I wanted to get to the car and pass out there. I was sweating, ashen and halfway out when I stood up to walk to the car. I got two to three steps and it happened.
It was very strange in that I was unconscious. Yet, I was still there and aware. I fell backwards, almost comically to me and in slow motion. It was as if a film was being run in reverse as I fell back in to the chair and collapsed against my beautiful daughter who was sitting next to me. I didn’t see a tunnel, but I felt like I was falling into a hole. This part wasn’t so clear but I felt like it was a channeling. Then I went through something like a veil or a doorway, but it wasn’t like something solid, it was more seamless. I was like a Florida rain line if you’ve ever seen one, you go from not being in the rain to being absolutely in the rain. Whatever I passed through was a clear demarcation; I clearly felt that I had transitioned and passed through something. I was absolutely NOT where I was any more. I was some place else. Instantaneously, the most amazing thing happened. Without any effort and without so much as a thought, the huge burden I carry around with me was dropped. It was the most amazing experience. I have never felt anything like it before. It was like a 1000 pound coat that I was wearing, just fell away. The coat represented all the burdens from this life. ‘I’ was still there. I was still aware of my consciousness and my overseer personality but all the stuff from this life was gone. It was not like resolved or worked out or in any way dealt with; it was simply dropped with absolutely no effort. It felt so amazingly good, I loved the feeling. I felt light and free; it was ecstatic. I now started to be a little more aware. I thought to myself, ‘Is this how other people feel?’
I started to be aware of a non-directed, loving light. I could feel as much as see the light. I was more aware of the light than directly seeing it like eyesight. It was then that I felt a presence. It was not exactly a female presence but definitely not specifically male. I also started to be visually aware of light. My awareness was growing and I became aware that I was dying and that this is what that was.
I previously had not looked in to NDEs. I knew about them though and this certainly seemed like what I had heard about.
I started to think about people who see family and I was so relieved that I felt none of that. Seeing my grandmother might have been nice, I suppose. But outside of that, seeing anyone else would have been terror for me. I actually thought about this during the experience. I had a fear of seeing my abusive parents and relatives. But there was none of that; just an indescribably beautiful feeling of release and love. I could tell that whatever or whoever the presence was, that it was becoming my awareness. As the light grew, I was moving in to it and very glad to be doing so. I had no attachment to this life, all I wanted was to keep feeling like this. I can not put into words how different and wonderful I felt. I have spent most of life in physical and mental anguish. The feeling of no longer feeling weighed down was amazing, striking. The love in my heart was filling and bursting and joining with the absolute love all around me. As the presence and light where growing I was also becoming more aware in my surroundings(?) and my desire to let go. Then it hit me like a brick. I thought of my daughter Joni and again of her experiencing her dad dying and defecating himself while collapsed against her. Some part of me screamed ‘No!’ and fought like hell to bring myself back. I just kept thinking of Joni and I couldn’t do that to her or leave her yet.
The coming back was quick, but wrenching. Whatever in me that pulled me back did so almost violently. It was not an easy transition. I came back with my children and people around me staring. This had only been a few minutes. I had complete awareness of what had just happened; I remembered it all. I was instantly relieved about a few things, but I was still very ill and would be for another month.