My husband and I were headed for a divorce. We had only been married for almost a year and I found out that he had been unfaithful. I hated him. I am a recovering alcoholic, so I was determined that I wasn’t going to drink because of him. So I would just starve myself a little. I have struggled with anorexia off and on my whole life, but I didn’t think it would kill me. I convinced myself that I would be able to stop on time. Things started happening though. I couldn’t stop myself. I was losing the battle. I started getting scared; I needed help, and I needed help fast! On June 24th my husband asked if we could talk. He walked in the door no earlier than 8:30 pm. He and I had always connected with music. I played him the song Battleships by Daughtry. Basically, I forgave him. I knew that I needed him more than I needed to be angry with him because I was sick. He was also in recovery and knew that I could not get better on my own. I was dying right in front of him. I remember the shock and agony on his face when he found out that I only weighed 104 lbs. But it still didn’t seem like I was in immediate danger.
We decided to go to our spot on the beach and talk. It was my favorite place in the whole world. At around 10:00 pm we were sitting in the sand near the water, and all of a sudden I felt something. All I could think was that my blood sugar had crashed, but this was worse than any other time. I knew I wasn’t going to make it off the beach. My husband saw me change. He asked, ‘What’s wrong?’ All I could get out was, ‘Blood, sugar.’ He asked me, ‘Where are your tablets?’ referring to my glucose tablets. I replied, ‘Bag. Home.’ Out of instinct, we got up quickly to get across the beach. I usually had a minute or two before the crash would come and thought that I could make it to the car.
I didn’t take two steps before I started leaving my body. My husband says I oozed to the ground. I remember this feeling that my body couldn’t hold on anymore, that it was too heavy for me. I said out loud, ‘I thought I had more time. I didn’t get to go to Disney world.’ My husband heard me say this. I was talking to a spirit that I had met before. I could hear my husband asking me to get up. I tried, but didn’t resist the desire to just lie where I was. I tried to tell him that he would understand why I had to stay here. It was so peaceful. He wouldn’t want me to get up if he knew. I could still feel his hand trying to get a pulse on my neck. I felt guilty for not getting to a sitting position. But I was steadfast with my decision to leave. I was looking down at myself on the beach; I can’t remember when though.
I thought that this was such a blessing! I got to die at my favorite place in the world! I was now in a space that was golden in color and feel. It was warm. I started seeing images roll in front of my eyes like a movie. With each image, I saw it with pure love. I saw it through God’s eyes, not my own. I knew why everything had happened to me; all of the abuse, rejection, hate anger, and abandonment. All of these events had indeed meant something. God wept with me at one point. I felt more love than humanly possible. I had become love. There was not one single reason for me to go back to the human world. I was done. I knew I had a brief second left to tell my husband something. I tried to say ‘I love you so much’, but what came out was, ‘I LOVED you so much. Tell my boys I love them and that I will always love them.’ I felt a hand on my chest and my breath left me. I saw my heart stop, and then finally my eyes. Then nothingness. It was just a void.
But then things started happening. I felt something being ripped from me. I can only explain that it felt like a demon. I groaned as it happened. My husband said that it sounded like something was coming out of the pits of hell. I started speeding forward as if towards a barrier. I was being chased by evil spirits resembling people from my past who were not dead. But mostly I was chased by a snake-like figure. I heard a voice ask me, ‘Mindy, What do you know to be true of Jesus Christ?’ I answered, ‘That he died on the cross for me.’ Instantly, light burst through the dark. A hand stretched out and took mine. I ascended upwards, starting as a wild-eyed child and ended up a beautiful woman. I was whole. I was healed. I was in the presence of God. I was loved. I felt like a giddy school girl. I started running up to something like a door. I was excited. It was like I was home after a long time away. All of a sudden I heard a voice cry out, ‘Somebody Help me!!’ I recognized it. It was my husband’s voice. I turned my head, and placed my hand on my heart. I said, ‘I can’t leave him like that.’ I felt it with the most tenderness in my heart.
The next thing I felt was a heavy weight, and then I was back in my body. I have the sense that I am naked, and was surprised to see clothes on my body. I started having a seizure, like my body was being jump-started. I fought to regain consciousness even though I felt like I was in the middle of a storm. The air was very loud and felt thick, thicker than wind. I sat up and started screaming out, ‘I think I just died. Love is all that matters!’ My husband and I sat there trying to fit together what we had both just seen and experienced for about 15 minutes. He insisted that I go to the hospital. I didn’t disagree with him, but I told him, ‘They aren’t going to find anything wrong with me’ and they didn’t find anything wrong with me. I was sent home on half a bag of IV fluids and told to seek help for anorexia.