It was in September 2009, when I arrived at home from a jogging run. I was completely frozen because it was so cold outside.
I was in the process of starting a fire in our fireplace, when my baggy jogging pants caught fire. With a slight trace of irritation for my inattention, I tried to extinguish the flames with my hands, but this wasn’t successful. The extra air seemed to make the fire climb, growing ever stronger and faster as it moved upwards. Soon not only were my pants ablaze, but also my jacket.
When I look back at that moment, I’m always fascinated anew because I didn’t feel any fear at the time. It simply happened, and somehow I was ‘only’ a silent observer of what was just happening to and on me. I constantly tried to extinguish the flames with my hands. I didn’t scream and didn’t call for help. The whole event seemed somehow surreal to me, almost like it was remotely controlled. I still vividly remember the moment when I realized that I couldn’t control the fire anymore. The fire devoured the synthetic clothing as the flames reached my face. Then my long hair caught on fire and I couldn’t breath. A ‘wow-effect’ started, which changed everything. I suddenly understood that this is it. I said to myself, ‘Give up! Now you are going to die!’ Since breathing was impossible and any chance calling for help was gone. I had no more control over my life. I couldn’t do anything else.
The most impressive thing at this moment was that I didn’t feel any pain or fear. This moment consisted only of an all inclusive realization that now I was dying and and the conclusion of ‘It’s okay!’From today’s view this exact moment was the biggest gift of my life. I gave up and stopped fighting. I made one of my most important DECISIONS, ‘Let go! Accept!’
Now eight years after this experience, it’s extremely difficult for me to find adequate words for those feelings and insights. It’s something which couldn’t, even remotely, be described or someway explained with human words. It’s an instant that comprises EVERYTHING and at the same time NOTHING. There was complete inner silence and a attitude of wait-and-see what would happen now. At the same time, it’s the most wonderful awareness of the ABSOLUTE.
My life was not passing in a kind of slow motion in front of me like many people describe who have had an NDE. It was more like an inner realization that filled me that my past life was exactly right and good the way it was. This realization was without melancholy and worry. There was nothing there that was to be ‘completed’, no ‘commitment’ at all. It was simply a point. I seemed to have totally ‘escaped’ from the feeling of ‘time.’ All those deep impressions opened up to me in a very restrained time frame, like what you would need for three to four breaths. At the same time, it felt like an all encompassing, amazing eternity.
I could write pages about everything what was going on during this ‘moment. Still, it was ‘only a moment’ in which I certainly had to deliver myself COMPLETELY and above all CONSCIOUSLY to my higher entity. I had absolutely NO CHOICE anymore. I gave up every human control and let go.What followed was a calm, yet almost curious wait-and-see for what would be coming now.
I now perceived my earthly body from a kind of ‘watcher’s perspective’ with a feeling of neutrality. I was watching the body as it slowly started to stagger with it’s arms helplessly fluttered around. It couldn’t hold this state for very long, but it was very clear for me. My neutral watching of what was happening with my body, changed abruptly into joy when my son was suddenly standing in the door. He, aged 14 at the time, in a flash realized the dangerous situation. He reacted with great presence of mind by running towards my body and pulling it to the floor. He was able to extinguish the flames with a nearby carpet.
I still seemed somehow being away from the event, and was following his efforts to help me quite neutrally; as if I was ‘only’ an uninvolved bystander. I watched him as he ran to the telephone. I watched the arrival of the emergency doctors, as well as the landing of the rescue helicopter.
My consciousness had separated from my body and I seemed to be next to it. I was watching like an observer or a bystander. But nothing was leading my awareness away. There were no deceased loved ones that were welcoming me; no bright light that I could perceive; no dark tunnel or other changes; or anything like that. Instead, I could watch the nice female emergency doctor in the helicopter and saw how she cared for my body that was lying relaxed on a kind of stretcher with wheels. Bustle came up only when my body was rolled on the gurney by paramedics into the hospital. The doctors hurried along and brought it into the emergency room. Bottles and tubes were on it’s belly and yet it seemed that it was okay. It seemed to me as if it were sleeping deeply and relaxed. The whole commotion that I saw was puzzling me.
I heard the paramedics talking to the doctors, saw what they were doing with my body, and that they took it to the surgery room. Nobody seemed to take any notice of me and this was confusing me. NOBODY on this ‘human plane’ could perceive me; Not my son, nor the emergency doctor in the helicopter, much less the hectic doctors at the hospital. Nobody would answer my questions. Whatever I tried to communicate, nobody seemed to see or hear me. This was really the only thing bothering me the whole time.
‘Am I dead?’
My body was just lying there. Now, for the first time since the admittance to the hospital, I had the possibility to look at it calmly. Meantime, they had transferred it into a calm intensive care room. Apart from the blip of some machines, it was calm around us. It seemed well-cared for. The machines had many devices that watched the body’s functions and countless tubes provided the body with everything it needed. It was indeed a strange picture for me, as it was lying there and the body’s chest was heaving through a ventilator. It’s hands and head were covered with bandages, where only a small opening could be seenwhere the tubes came out that belonged to those devices. It was just lying there, like a lifeless shell without content and it seemed to wait peacefully in it’s own way.
I, however, was ‘sitting’ at the foot end of the bed and countless thoughts came up. ‘For God’s sake, what does this mean? I am HERE! I feel very alive! Why am I not feeling what it feels? And above all, when I’m dead now, why am I still here? Why am I not detaching myself of it? What am I still waiting for?’
After I almost was getting used to this strange ‘disconnected’ state, I suddenly heard a warm, soft voice behind me. Somebody seemed to enter the room. With his appearance, the energy in the slightly-darkened room was abruptly changing. ‘You aren’t dead Anke,’ I heard. When I turned around, I was looking into the loving eyes of a tall male and glowing figure of light. He seemed to fill the whole room with his presence. ‘Have no fear, my dear … you will get answers for all your questions! At the moment there is nothing of importance for you here. Therefore, I would like to show you a few things, if you like.’
And so the most adventurous journey of my life began.
This figure of light was leading me away from my body. I was shown what CONSCIOUSNESS/CONSCIOUS EXISTENCE is and of what it consists. I was taught and trained and asked 1000 questions while getting 10,000 answers. I became aware of coherences, that I never before I would never remotely would have guessed. My patient ‘teacher’ was leading me into all realms being important for me.
I learned how our human body is connected to higher planes of vibration, what it means to integrate the ‘soul parts’, to free blockages, and how soulmates are connected. He taught me, what it REALLY meant to extend my CONSCIOUSNESS and how our ‘human self’ is connected with this, and uncountable other things. I was given the occasion to EXPERIENCE everything.
Then, we ‘visited’ the room in which my body was in a coma. My teacher instructed me about what it meant to really accept the physical body for what it IS: A vessel, enabling us to have our experiences in duality as a human. A vessel that wants to be ‘inhabited’ by our higher consciousness, and which is longing for connection.
On one of those visits at the hospital room, my spiritual teacher asked me to tune in to my physical body. He wanted me to feel inside and to get into clear contact with it. I felt it’s CONSTRICTION, HEAVINESS, and it’s limitations But I also was aware of it’s creativity as it was constantly renewing. It had inconceivable possibilities and it’s very own way of communicating with me. I was allowed to explore it and let it, for the first time, tell me it’s ‘stories’. Upon this extraordinary experience, followed the most important question I ever was asked in my life:
‘Now you are allowed to make a DECISION! IT’S YOUR CHOICE. Do you want to return into this/your body, or do you want to tell it good-bye here and now?’
From today’s view I don’t believe, that there was ever the question to die and to leave these planes, but rather about the unbelievable insights; the realization of the DECISION, CONNECTEDNESS, EFFECT, and the TRUTH.
I was allowed to CONSCIOUSLY say ‘YES’ to myself to my ‘BEING human’ and to return to my body. I was allowed to CONSCIOUSLY melt back with it, connecting again. I was flowing into it’s cells. while feeling it’s boundaries and it’s density. I was a gigantic feeling. I perceived it exactly as it was, even though it was less than ‘perfect’ at the moment. I accepted it and everything in the body was filling me with the purest gratitude. Gratitude, that it was still available for me, that I could stay HERE, gratitude for this indescribable schooling, and also GRATITUDE towards myself for my courage and strength. Above all was gratitude for my unwavering trust.
Since this experience, EVERYTHING is different. I AM different! I changed my focus in life. I am not searching anymore, only finding. I feel no pressure, No MUST and OUGHT TO, but instead an unconditional ‘YES’ to myself and my WORLD and to the wonderful way I am allowed to experience it.
This indescribable Experience changed EVERYTHING!