Brian K.

The majority of this time was mostly fraught with PTSD related to childhood trauma and clinical depression. This incident was one the most serious actions out of all of ‘suicide attempts’ because it was an intentional overdose and combination of drinking, street drugs, and psyche medication.

Prior to attempting to overdose on my own psychiatric pills, I drank several mixed cocktails at a nearby bar. I also took several types of street-grade pharmaceutical pills.

Then I took my own prescription drugs. I had waited about an hour before I had become very sleepy. I made a ‘good-bye’ call to a parental relative and family friend. They called 911. I fell down the stairs while trying escape paramedics.

In the ambulance, I was asked several questions. I had lost the ability to speak in full sentences and could only say one or two words at a time. I was brought to the hospital’s intensive care unit (ICU). They continued to ask questions, but I could not say the actual words I had wanted to say and could only mumble. During this time I’d lost the ability to move my arms and legs. For some reason, I had an involuntary erection. As the doctors noticed my body paralysis, they asked me to communicate by blinking but even that, I could not control. The last words I had heard from a female doctor was that she could see tears coming out of my eyes. I felt her hand on my hand.

Soon after those voices had stopped, I could not feel anything. The bodily sense of touch went ‘numb.’ Then my vision went blurry. I had this feeling of leaving my body as I saw the room from the ceiling. Soon after, everyone and everything became like blurry colors, not unlike stained-glass blobs. It was from this point that I’d simply felt like I was floating within this darkness. At first, it seemed like a very wide hallway that then led to a infinite darkness. The darkness wasn’t just a dark space, but it was black air and dark energy. It was as if I were immersed in a pool of black water that was much thicker than water. I existed in this space and from here, I felt as if I was moving at the speed of light. Everything seemed to be moving so fast that it was like in slow motion. Or more accurately, it was slower motion and then incredible speeds. It was as if I were inside of some sort of black hole and at the center of something.

It was three days later that I woke up out of a coma and in the ICU. I had trouble breathing or talking for a few days because of severe chest pain. I could not sit up until a few days later. The doctor said that he was surprised that I woke up since he was not very hopeful about my waking up. He had told my family that my chances were slim.

After this, I was subject to a psychiatric hospital stay. I felt that my brush with not existing was enough for me to become much more appreciative of life and what opportunity life might bring.