During the surgery, I could feel the surgery happening. I could feel the strange feeling of scissors cutting flesh and organs. I could feel that the pain is deep and not quite understanding what was happening. I wanted to tell my husband that ‘subconscious does not sleep under anesthesia; conscious can be put to sleep’. Though I was under anesthesia and my doctors did not believe me later when I told them, as they felt if I could feel the pain then they would have known.
But, I suddenly felt the pain going away and felt as if I was flying at rocket speed inside a dark tunnel. I could not stop myself. I tried to stop and a voice told me this is death. I could not make out whether it was a male or a female voice. But the voice was guiding me through the tunnel. I started to resist saying ‘I have a son; I can’t leave him and go. He is sick. He needs me.’ The voice started telling me that I have ‘nobody and nobody is mine. We are all alone in the journey. We do learn our lessons and move ahead. There are no attachments’. I insisted that I have a son. The voice asked me ‘If you have a son, what is his name?’ I could not answer as I had forgotten his name. I tried but could not recognize him and his name. The voice told me ‘he has his own journey and he will get what he has to’. I have nothing to do with his life.
All this while, I was moving in a great speed, which I could not control at all.
I tried to talk about other family members but could not say anything, as the speed was too much for me and I could not hold on at all. I could see far away a very faint light and knew if I reach there, I will never be able to come back. I was resisting.
Suddenly I felt the voice telling me ‘you are not dying’ and we started to slow down. Then the voice told me I was not dying and would stay in this life. The voice told me so many things, which I could not remember, even though I tried hard to remember.
I don’t know when I came back to my senses, but I could not close my eyes for more than a two days, because I felt the moment I close my eyes I will die. My husband, mother and sister then tried their best to put me to sleep but I could not. They had to put their hand on my eyes to close them.