Karen M.

My appendix ruptured. For some reason the doctors were unable to diagnose what was wrong with me, despite being seen by several doctors. When my mother realized I was dying, she took me, yet again, to the emergency room and demanded they figure out what was wrong with me. We were fortunate that the doctor on duty that night was a doctor from India and he asked ME to tell him what is wrong. I told him that it was my appendix. I had told every other doctor that had examined me, but he was the first to listen to me and believe me. They had been set to do an exploratory surgery on me. But after the doctor had talked to me, he decided to do an appendectomy instead. This surgery was done quite a long time, like weeks, after my appendix had burst. Gangrene had set in by this time and my body was a mess. I bled out and died. My heart stopped while on the operating table.

The last thing I remember before going under general anesthesia is the anesthesiologist asking me to count backwards from 10. I told her how beautiful she looked and then thought to myself, ‘If only she gave up the blue eye shadow. It doesn’t do a thing for her complexion.’ I heard her and everyone chuckling at that last bit as I went under. I remember feeling somewhat mortified that I had said that aloud.

The next thing I remember is coming out of my body. I was floating up towards the ceiling of the operating room and toward the light. At that point, it was just the bright lights in the operating room. I looked down and saw my body with many people around it. I did not feel any attachment to my body or regret upon leaving it. I felt mildly curious as to what they were all doing. I decided it was really none of my concern. I felt so light and free: free of the pain of the past several weeks and free of the pain of my life up to that point. I felt like I had nothing too important to keep me from leaving, especially since my body had been nothing but a source of pain. I felt more than ready to go.

I continued floating up and out of the hospital. I saw the city and all the people going about their business. The higher I floated, the people and places growing smaller and smaller until I could see the earth itself growing smaller and smaller. I began to feel and see a complete connection to everyone, every creature, every plant, every rock – everything. I could see how we are all connected, part of each other, and part of God. I felt so much love. I felt a joy that is indescribable. I really don’t have the words to describe how completely joyful, perfect, whole, and part of everything I felt and knew. Before I died, I questioned everything. Here, I knew everything and there were no more questions.

At one point, I floated into the clouds and decided to stop there for a bit. I have no idea why I did that and it doesn’t really matter, I suppose. I stopped just for pure joy. I remember becoming smaller and smaller until I became part of the cloud. I became a water particle and then smaller than that. I kept shrinking until I was just like an atom, perhaps. I could see each particle of the cloud and what we looked like down to our tiniest level. It was beautiful; we were beautiful. I had shed the sense of my body very quickly. I was simply nothing and everything all at once. I eventually left the cloud, still with no sense of a ‘body.’ I was I. I was pure energy, purely beautiful and whole. I was pure love and yet still ‘me.’

I left the earth and went toward the light very quickly after that. I was part of the light. I could have stayed there forever and I maybe did because time no longer existed.

I then became aware of three ‘Beings.’ They were golden light and beautiful. We were one, yet separate somehow. They sometimes had a form and sometimes were only an amazing golden light. I knew them somehow, but not from the life I had just left. They called me their beloved daughter and said that I had a choice to make. I could come with them and dwell in the light forever. Or, I could go back to being the daughter Margaret. I couldn’t understand why they thought I would want to go back. Being there with them was so beautiful. They told me my lessons were not complete and I still had much to learn and much to teach others. They told me that I was needed. They told me that they are always with me and that I must remember that I am not alone.

None of us are ever alone no matter how much we may feel so from time to time. Life is beautiful even when we know nothing but pain.

My choice all came down to love and responsibility to one another. So I chose, very reluctantly, to come back.

Going back into my body was not as easy as leaving it. I woke up vomiting in the recovery room and felt incredible pain, both physically and emotionally. (I feel somewhat sick to my stomach just thinking about it now.) From time to time, I wonder if I made the right choice, and if in any way I have managed to learn or teach anything at all about love.