November:After Thanksgiving was over and all of my family left, I felt it was a good day over all. I did feel an overwhelming feeling of being alone and missing my husband on this first Thanksgiving without him. I went to bed. I must state that for months, no matter who spends the night, we are all awakened at around 4:30 am, for no reason, every night since Larrys passing. This night I don’t think I woke up, but I knew it 4:30. I looked over to the door and Larry was standing there with this huge smile, happy tears in his eyes, healthy, and his hand extended. When I took his hand, I remember looking at it, as it felt just like my deceased Mother’s hand, but physically looked like Larry’s hand. There were clouds, skies, water, and beautiful, wonderful, amazing feelings of warmth, love, and safety. I don’t remember any words, just overwhelming feelings and beauty. This is the first night that I slept for more than 4 hours since Larry died. I slept for 7 hours. I woke up feeling spiritually awakened, but more physically exhausted than I ever have in my life.
Yesterday, March 14th.
Leaving in the morning to watch my 11 yr old dance, unknown to me it was a surprise dedication to her grandfather, my husband. I could hear him say I wasn’t dressed warm enough. ” Have to keep my baby warm”, I could hear him say. I turned around and changed coats. Returning to my car leaving the event our song was on the radio. “I don’t want to miss a thing”. Then I was off to my 16 yr old granddaughters fundraiser. She is going to Costa Rica this summer to learn scuba and study wildlife in impoverished countries, he was so excited for her. “Tiny Dancer”, the song I walked to my husband on our wedding day is on the radio. I return home after a long day. I decide to open dreaded mail, I pray to husband to please let it be good news. It was good news and I say out loud “thank you baby’. I sit down on the couch,look at the clock, it is 8:20 pm.
My dog starts to act up. Throwing toys, jumping on back of couch, but looks very happy. Suddenly and swiftly, and I thought I heard a swoosh, I can smell and feel my husband on my face. On my chest he moves right in. I can see his freckles on his shoulders. I can see his damp hair right in front of my eyes. I can’t see him physically, but I see these things. It makes no sense to me, but I can. I know at this moment it is making no sense, but can see, and smell him, and feel him in my arms. I really am holding him. Closer than ever in real life, like he is part way in my chest. My head rests against his. I am wide awake, crying quietly, speaking to him quietly, as I don’t want him to leave. I look at the dog and I know he sees the same. This lasts for 5 minutes or more. I am so afraid during this that the phone will ring or someone will interrupt this, at the same time trying to not let myself be distracted by these thoughts. I feel guilty that I was the one that let him go. He was not leaving. I was becoming so physically exhausted I couldn’t hold on anymore. Again, I felt spiritually renewed, with a sense of safety and refreshed, but physically drained. My shirt was damp when it was all over.