It was October 29, 2005. I was still upset about my cousin’s suicide in 1999. My stepdad Keith had just died of Lou Gehrig’s disease. I was arguing with current boyfriend. I went to bathroom and took all my mental health pills, all sixty of them. Then had a knife to my throat. My boyfriend came into bathroom to continue the arguing. I then told him I am going to complete killing myself. He called 911 and battled the knife out of my hand. Shortly after the cops show up. That is when I said I overdosed myself on my psych medications. The police called a ambulance and I was taken to a research medical hospital. I was fine on the ride to hospital answering the emergency medical technician’s questions. When I realized that they were going to keep me in the hospital, I tried to leave and got aggressive with the staff. That is when staff decided to put me in restraints. Once I was laid flat on the bed, I noticed I could not breathe. So I was fighting the staff to sit upright but they thought I was trying to fight them. So they kept me down. I continued to struggle to breathe and then I was making gagging, choking sounds. At some point, I thought I had passed out.

That was until I realized I was standing above my body. I saw the staff working to intubate me, but one of the pills got stuck in the tracheal tube. Then I left the room and was traveling down a tunnel with a bright light. As I went further up the tunnel, the light got bigger and brighter. Then I was in the throne room of God. Jesus Christ was seated next to God. The throne room was pure white. Then I stood there in absolute awe at the beauty of Jesus. Jesus was wearing a white robe with a purple sash and had flames in his eyes. His golden crown had many bright jewels in it. The jewels were purple, green, and red. I looked back at Jesus and his sash. Then the sash turned red. I was looking into His eyes. I saw forever in them: He was so beautiful. Then I remember bowing before Jesus and God. They both spoke to me, but I do not remember what was said by them.

Then I woke up with a machine breathing for me. My mom was standing next to me crying. When I woke up my mom got the nurse. I asked to write something down so the nurse grabbed an erasable board and pen. First, I asked, ‘What happened?’ The nurse said that I coded in the emergency room. They had trouble getting me intubated because the pill was stuck in the tube that goes to my left lung. The nurse said I was lucky because they almost had to cut a hole in my throat. But finally, the pill gave way and they got me breathing. To this day I have that pill still in my left lung. After all that, I wrote something else on the board, ‘Jesus was beautiful and he talked to me.’

I was so frightened when I first entered the throne room but this over whelming love took over my body. It was a love that no human could ever give. It comforted me and let me know it was all right. I know to this day that God forgave me for doing that. I also know that purple means faith. At first his sash was purple and then it turned blood red as if He forgave me. To this day, I believe He sent me back to serve Him in some way some day and I am willing and ready. That is my experience.