Scott W.

Here is an excerpt of my story, from the night of my heart attack:

I realized that the moment I had been praying, there was something really different about the level of connection of my prayer. I didn’t feel like I was away from my body. From the time I knew I had arrested, I felt that I had a very powerful sense of awareness collectively. I was in what I assumed was the triage room or the cardiac emergency room, since the helicopter had landed. They knew my condition and situation, so I still need to confer with the doctor as to where they actually took me when the helicopter landed. There were a lot of people waiting there. It turned out that the doctor and team who treated me were getting ready to call it a night when the call came in about my case. They stayed just to take care of me. The Doctor started to tell the process of what they were going to do, and I could feel the tears start to drip down my cheek. I wanted to know my family was there. I wanted to feel their presence nearby. I wanted my mom. I wanted her close; I wanted her there. I wanted to tell my son I loved him. After the blurr of words, it was getting dark again. The feeling was coming back. The feeling like ‘I am in really bad trouble’ came back. I wanted to sleep. I just wanted to close my eyes. I thought, ‘This stuff he is telling me was going to hurt and I don’t want to feel it, ok?’ I wanted to take nap and, hopefully, wake up and it would all be over.

‘Doctor, I am going to close my eyes now, I am tired. This sounds like it is going to hurt, is that ok?’

He looked down at me and held my face, ‘Ok, Scott, just relax, we’re going to take care of you.’ I knew he meant it.

‘Doctor’, I asked. ‘Yes’. ‘Please don’t let me die. I know I am in trouble here and it’s really bad. Please don’t let my body die’.

‘Ok, rest now Scott. Just rest and by the way, I don’t do requests, it’s too much pressure’. He smiled at me and I tried to smile back.

‘Please tell them I love them?’ I said.

He responded, ‘I will let you tell your family you love them.’

It was strange that I could feel them still on their way or maybe they had just become distant. I closed my eyes and for the first time, I felt everything was going to be ok. I stopped fighting and darkness came to me. I felt a soft jolt and then darkness surrounded me. I felt like I was moving in a hallway. What was that? I tried to open my eyes. They were shut, I couldn’t open them. My first thought was, ‘Wow, that was fast. Those doctors fixed me fast.’ I could sense my family was close to the hospital maybe even there now, yet I couldn’t see them. I saw only what seemed like a dimly lit room. I thought I was in a recovery area or room. I felt alone and cold. I remember having a thought, ‘Those guys need to cover me up.’

I kept hearing a thought in my mind, ‘Dude, your eyes are shut!’ I remember telling the doctor. I was going to take a nap. ‘I’m outta here, night!’ I had, so I kept telling myself, ‘ I must still be sleeping.’ I kept trying to look around, something was different. This is all wrong and I wondered was I dead? I said, ‘Naw, I am dreaming.’

I drifted through a void or space, unable to land on anything. At first it seemed like there was no ‘ground’ and not a cloud in the sky. There was an aura, a light, dimmed, warm, golden and radiant. Then my ‘senses’ shifted and I was standing on a spot in what appeared to be a huge rolling plain. It was there, it appeared to be real, and I was on it too. But, I felt like I was floating. I felt cold, alone and scared. More details emerged; I saw the huge grass plains, blowing gently in a sweet breeze. It was not a strong wind, but just a sweet warm breeze. I could almost hear the rustle of the grass blades was like music and I could watch their dance as if they were speaking. I could feel the music and the responses they were getting back. I looked around. In the distance, appeared fuzzy, hazy silhouettes. They looked like low, distant mountain ranges when you’re driving towards them. It is like you see that low darker horizon, but as you get closer they seem to grow. This was almost the same, but they weren’t just far away, they were all around me. This was beautiful, like a picture perfect painting or photo. It was like they had cleared this place for me. I felt like I was in a field I used to walk in, when I was troubled and needed comfort. I didn’t understand, but I started to feel safe, warm and comfortable.

I was also feeling else. I didn’t think I deserved to be there. I knew my story and I thought I knew what was true about heaven, hell and the afterlife. I was starting to get overwhelmed from the experience. What seemed to be the sky was more than just the lamination or layer upon layer of light in vivid colors. It was like the sun is just before sunset. The warmth radiating from it started to make me feel safe and comfortable. I have never felt that before this time in my life. I kept struggling with my feeling of not deserving or belonging there. As each time I felt that struggle, I would realize that each of these things was not just things I was ‘seeing’, they were a part of me, and I a part of them. The more I surrendered, the more I could feel a hum and this vibration going through my body. For the first time, I noticed my body wasn’t my body. It looked like it, but I was not in the same form. It shimmered. Although it seemed like it was my body from earth, it wasn’t. Although it seemed like I still had my senses, they seemed bigger, deeper and different.

The vibration was gentle but always present. At times, it would sound like voices, instruments, and oddly like birds and other sounds I couldn’t identify. I remember having a thought, ‘I can see why people think they hear angels singing.’ It kept shifting between all things and it was beyond what I could comprehend as music. By themselves, the sounds were just pitches and tones. But together, I could flow with it and it flowed through me. Or at least that’s what I thought it sounded like and seemed like. I felt so at peace, I felt so serene. The only words I can use are total completeness and acceptance.

As I stood there with my arms out wide, I realized I wasn’t alone anymore. I knew I was in the presence of the Creator. The Light had started to get a little brighter and less radiant. I felt the presence of something, something that was way bigger than me. I was in awe of it and the fear I felt was my own shame. I kept telling myself, ‘I know I didn’t believe; I KNOW I WASN’T worthy.’ YET, I felt that The Presence was honored that I was there. Whatever it was that I could feel, experience and see we were all connected. I was home. I was back. It was strange that I felt sad because I didn’t get to say good-bye to my family. I felt sadness and anger. I felt guilt and shame amidst the beauty I saw and felt.

From the distance, I saw a silhouette of someone coming towards me. I felt like I knew this person very well and it knew me very well, too well. I remember questioning, ‘Could it be real?’, but I couldn’t hold back my doubt. It was only a short time and she was before me. She was dressed in what looked like a bright but beautiful, loud flower-patterned dress wrapped around her. When she got closer, I thought, ‘What, who, that’s Grandma and she’s wearing a MUMU.’ She was very pretty and had an orchid in her hair. She was younger, much younger than I remembered her, and so was my Grandfather who was next to her. He was wearing a white shirt, cream-colored pants and a fedora hat that was pulled down a bit over his eyes. I thought, ‘Yeah, this is them.’ I laughed at the irony of the situation. I remembered her always talking about her trips to Hawaii and loving the clothes. Grandpa, was always a sharp dresser. She let go of his hand as she stretched out her arms for me. We seemed to laugh, cry and I really can’t describe the range of emotions that all seemed to flow through us. All I knew and felt was a sense of connection I had never known existed from both of them. My Grandparents and I had been very close through most of my younger life. He went home many years before she did, yet her love for him never stopped. I had lost touch with her during her last years here when I moved to the Midwest. We stood there what seemed like for a long time hugging. It seemed like I was crying, for joy and for sadness. I could feel my Grandfather’s presence again and then he seemed to be more as a silent observer than a participant. I stepped back and looked at her and said ‘I died, didn’t I?’ She smiled and swung her arm down. I followed her hand.

I could see the emergency room, then we were floating above the room. I could see the medical team working on me. There was someone near my head and my head was pulled back. They were pushing something down my throat, later I found out I had been intubated. There was another person, down my by waist, doing something with needles. I didn’t’ want to see that. I later found out that it was the nurse putting IVs in my arm. There were two people at each leg, sticking things up, in near my groin. I would later find out this was the cardio angioplasty and the catheters for the stints. ‘Ok, still hate needles, nope, not going to watch that one.’ There was someone on top of me, doing CPR calling out my name. ‘Come on Scott, Come on!’ I stopped watching.

I looked at Grandma and said, ‘I’m screwed, Ok. I’ve seen enough.’ I felt so sad and sorry that my family was on their way and would have to come to this. I could see them as I floated past the emergency room, past the roof of the hospital, on a dark road. My ex-wife and children were calling out to me, telling me to hold on and wait for them. I said I’d be ok and I’d be waiting for them. They were saying they loved me. I felt so sad that I wasn’t going to be able to be a part of my son’s life. I didn’t get to say good-bye. This can’t be happening. I was angry for several reasons for a moment, but it seemed to melt away.

‘What is this place Grandma?’ She said, ‘Son, this is where we all go when we die.’ I looked around I was so at peace. I could hear music. I could see the mountains in the background, the sky was a series of washed Alizarin crimson then faded to Prussian blues and then a beautiful darkness. Other than the Warm Golden light, the sky was the most beautiful ‘sunset’ I’ve ever seen. Behind me was darkness. It was night time and like space darkness. The ironic thing was that I felt like I was part of all of it and it was connected to me. I felt no fear. This was Heaven. I knew I had worked hard on changing my life. Years before, I had found faith in a power greater than me. I felt this feeling; I can only call love that knows no boundary of time, space or consciousness. It covers everything that has been, is and will be. I’ve read it, I’ve heard it, I have intellectualized it and believed. But never have I felt it in my soul, until then. Not because we can bribe love, by our acts or control it with penance or faith. It’s just because we ARE and It loves us all no matter what.

I looked at Grandma and asked her, ‘What about those who have committed horrible acts against children and other humans?’ I continued, ‘What about those who are evil at heart lie, steal, cheat and what is it that they deserve, the same thing as those who try to be good people?’ (I had some personal issues I was dealing with and there were headlines in the news of acts of people like Osama Bin Laden and other stuff). I said to the light as if it would answer, ‘What is the point then, what would people do if we knew this?’ My grandmother was devout in her faith. She was faithful to our church; we belonged to the same church. My family was heavily involved in our church. My father was a minister and rector of our congregation. One of my immediate family members was always doing some service activity for the church or our congregation. I was even on the path of entering the ministry. Even though I had turned from this path many years before, the core values were still there. She wouldn’t lie to me. I trusted this woman and believed would tell me the truth. She was the only one of a few people in my entire life, I had no resentment to, had done no harm to me my entire life. Grandma always loved me unconditionally and all I felt from her was love. I had some personal pain issues, resentments about other illusions needing to be released.

I leaned closer to her and whispered, like no one could us. ‘Is this or are we here Grandma because of our church? Or the way we believed or our Faith?’ She looked at me and smiled, and said so sweetly, ‘Son, it’s not about this place. There is only one time we have in our presence, in our reality, in our time. This is the only time, you are you. We suffer for what we do, while we are here. We have our consequences for what we DO while we live. We are loved. We don’t get judged here. We don’t suffer here. Our time was a gift.’ I ask, ‘Grandma, then where is everyone?’

Just as I was finishing my words, the sight that I thought was the Distance Mountains came closer. As it closed in on me I could suddenly feel an overwhelming presence of others. They had no shape at first, I could only feel them. Then I could see shimmering forms of what looked like bodies. I could make out faces, people but I didn’t know them. There was no physical or emotional bond. Yet I still felt like I was part of them and they a part of me. They weaved in and around me like they were saying, ‘Hello, welcome home.’ They shifted, from these shimmering forms, to light, strings of light. Each spirit was an individual string and each string stretched beyond my conscious sight stretching out beyond time and space. Each string moved around and thru me and swayed in like a soft breeze. Then the sky filled with light strings. I could see inside them, through them and each of them carried a long thin strand that looked like a DNA helix. From within each Helix were memories, from the time of its conception, when the atoms became one, to the time when we became human. Each one had its own reality, consciousness, time and space. In some point of their path, they had met with another string of light and created new strings and new strings were created with other strings, each with their own consciousness, reality and time. Each a memory but it was coded within the DNA. It was all a kind of memory, past, present and future. All at once and each in its own time had its own truth, and its own reality. Yet somehow, each was connected to someone who was alive here. I was connected to my Grandma and she flowed into a string and came back to the form I could see her. Then she reached out her hand to me. We started to follow the strings then I became one of the strings of light.

As we moved, there was no sense of travel, yet I knew we were moving, very fast. Yet as we moved, I could see behind me, around me, and in front of me. We were time. As I looked back, I could see the planet had all these strings from all living things emanating from it, even from the planet itself. As we starting to move out, I could see our earth, spinning in its orbit in its natural time. The solar system, galaxies, we passed a star blowing up, watched a star being born in a nebul’, each event in its real time. All reaching out to space all connected to the light. It was alive, creating new forms, life, experiences and realities all in love. One existence can’t become a new one until it’s completed the course it’s on. Once that is done, it can move on to its next reality. And so on and so on. It wasn’t like a trip when we get start getting the ‘When are we getting there?’ or ‘Are we there yet?’ feeling. On the contrary there was just no sense of time for us per say, we just moved at will. We would pass points when light was behind us and we were in a space, time and reality.

I did feel consciousness forming but not like we know or understand. It was just doing its task. It was doing what it’s supposed to do and that’s all it knew. Then it became clear all of it, all things knew what it was supposed to do. Something was directing it. I could tell, even though it had consciousness, it seemed as though it had surrendered its Will and accepted it’s truth to the Creator. Then my Grandma reached for me and took my hand as we started back. The universe was full, absolutely full of strings of light and energy. They were pulsing, they were moving, and we were in it, part of it and it a part of us. DNA stretched for eons; memories, connected, intertwined but all moving according to the Light. I could see molecules, atoms connecting, intersecting, building and becoming new life forms and consciousnesses. Galaxies, stars, fish, trees, air, water, man are all patterned forms, built from all over the universe. Then we were back in the field, but it didn’t stop there. I looked at my Grandmother and the Light. Everything opened up, illumination poured through me, out of me and in me. It can’t be changed, or threatened. It can’t be manipulated, or colored. There are no Illusions or fairy tales about it. It’s here. Each is at its own time, in its own evolution, doing its own reality, living its own consciousness. We are part of it and it a part of us. We truly have nothing to fear, we are really loved. There is a power so great, that it can only be called God.

What intelligence is directing this? It was like this whole thing is alive. We are a part of this creation that is so magnificent; we have no words in our language to express it. She looked at me and said, ‘We suffer for how we are being here, when we separated our Being or Spirit from the one Truth and created a False Reality we feel pain. We separate our connection to this power. Our pain is directly proportionate to the level of separation of our Spirit from here, son.’ ‘We all have it and we all are built with it.’ The spirits started to surround me again, and the vibrations started to grow so strong. Then visions of my life and others who appeared of how we separated or cut off our lives, love and our only one time we have here in this time and space. I saw how we’ve wasted it with petty crap, hatred, war, abuse of control and power, lies, and hurting others. We have spent that time, being so separated from love and our truth that we have taken it from others, because we can’t stand that they may have it and we don’t. I saw that we have created false truths and realities because we loathe what we think is the truth. We have nearly, if not completely, ruined our lives, hearts, minds, and souls to keep feeding the illusions. We keep this false love and realty alive, just to do it. We have given our bodies away for validation and approval, and our soul just to feel better. If we can’t heal and return to love here where it counts, when we don’t own and atone for our mistakes, we keep the separation going and the pain we feel gets worse and the more desperate we become to cover it up.

Yet, I saw that for me, for us to return to that source, love, to the place where it all began, we had to do just that; Face the truth of where it all began. We need to see the trail that was behind what we thought was the truth. I saw how we fear; so much fear. As I did, I felt the sun behind my grandmother get warmer, brighter and stronger. I could feel a love and comfort I can’t put to words radiating from it. I felt a humbleness and honor that I don’t know how to express radiate from this source, I was forgiven. All the strings of light began to move toward this light again and it became radiant, so much so I couldn’t look at it any longer. The brighter it got, the more I could feel pulled toward it. I knew that on the other side of that light, was the next form, the next experience that awaited me. Home was there. I could feel others there but they weren’t. They were experiencing their new reality. I could feel myself letting go of my family. I knew I could watch my son. I knew we were still connected. They weren’t ready to let me go. I wanted to go.

Then she stood in front of me and said, ‘Son, you must go back, it’s not your time.’ I said, ‘No Grandma, I want to stay with you, I miss you, this is home. I am home.’ She smiled. ‘My Son, you will have some crosses to carry yet. You will have some things you will have to suffer.’ I could feel her sadness for this. I was shown some things, some having to do with my health. ‘You, Son, are not able leave yet. It’s not your time.’ I tried to push past her, but she stood there with her arms crossed so I wrapped my arms around my Grandmother and told her I missed her. ‘I know Son’, she said. ‘We miss you too, but we will see each other again.’ At that time, my grandfather reappeared. He had his arms around both of us. I realized then we can take our bonds with us. I was so moved at the strength of their love still for each other and for me. I looked into the light as best I could and it radiated with such intensity, I could look at it no longer. I turned slightly away.

This Light, it vibrated through me. I felt loved and at peace. I said, ‘I know who you are. I do love you with all my heart. I have missed you in my life. My life is yours.’ I heard a voice from the Light, ‘My son, do not fear, you will not be alone and I will take care of you.’ I felt wave after wave of light flow through me, like arms wrapping around me and through me; not pulling me in, but letting me go. My Grandparents faded away. I felt like I was falling. I remember getting a glimpse of the top of the hospital roof and trees outside of the building.

I woke up in a hospital room, 5 hours later. I was on complete life support; I had a pump in my heart because it couldn’t pump on its own. I had tubes down my throat and stomach, because I couldn’t breathe and wasn’t getting any oxygen in my blood, bottles of IVs hanging everywhere. I was awake and very aware of my surroundings. The nurse ran out of the room and then came back with the doctor. I knew him, I had seen him put the tubes in my throat, and I remembered him from the emergency room the night before. He put his stethoscope up to my chest, then at my neck. He told me to, ‘Blink once for yes and twice for no.’ He asked me some questions. I asked him for something to write with. After some insistence, I drew out a stick figure. I drew a stick figure and put an X by head position and pointed to him, then the tubes, then to him again. Then I drew X’s where I saw people and what they were doing to me. As I was going over this, he just stood there with his mouth open. Then tears started running down our cheeks. He looked at me and asked me how did I know all this? I wrote ‘I watched them doing it’. I wrote in big letters, ‘THANK YOU for working SO hard to save me.’ He said it wasn’t him who saved me. It was a team effort and the captain of the team, had something important for me to do to save me from the heart attack he did. ‘No one survives those Scott. No one.’ he said. I was in the hospital for 12 days and back to work in 8 weeks. Today I am on a heart transplant list, I have had some ups and downs, but the blessings I’ve received have been amazing. I radiate and vibrate such energy. I am drawn to people who need healing, I get visits from spirits, I see spirits, and I can pick up others vibrations very quickly. I can’t wear watches, I can’t wear jewelry.

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